I thought all the crying was done, but instead I find the one-week mark floods me with fresh emotion as if it were just moments ago I was holding my big girl and whispering into her ears as she lay slowly slipping away from me. Colin Hay has a beautiful song that captures how I feel right this moment, the lyrics haunting and confiding moments that paint little pictures of my life this past week. It starts:
“I drink good coffee every morning
Comes from a place that’s far away
And when I’m done I feel like talking
Without you here there is less to say.”
As is my nature after I awaken, I shuffle to the kitchen where my husband has left a pot of brewed coffee, knowing that in my morning fog and left to my own devices I might forget the filter or the coffee grounds or even to place the pot in its position and wander off as coffee spills onto the counter and down to the floor. I rarely speak until I’ve had at least one cup to clear my stuffed sinuses and my clogged throat and my fuzzy brain.
My dogs have gotten used to this routine and they wait patiently for me to come around, not asking for pets or attention until I am ready. They know that soon I will call them each by name and tell them how much I love them and what good pups they are, and then jabber mindlessly in their direction. I’ve even come up with a nonsense language that I use when I look at them and my heart swells with happiness and I have no real words to express the feeling.
Now, without my big girl here, the easy chatter sometimes gets caught in my throat and I fall back into silence.
Beesh bongh chipao.
I’ve acknowledged that the crying will never be “done” … coming up on the one year anniversary of Jerry’s passing, the littlest things can still choke me up. But rest assured, that with time, this will happen less often and with much less severity.
One game René and I played during those first few months was to say “Remember when…” every time we got sad about Jerry being gone. Then finish the sentence with some wonderful memory and channel those tears into a smile.
Another thing that helped me was to always remember how Jerry hated it whenever we were sad or upset. And how he taught us how all that really matters in life, is the moment, right now, and to make the most of it.
Peace.
Mel, I wish I could say something to make it easier for you.
When Jerry left us, there was such a huge hole in our lives. No more walks, no more long food preparation, no more shopping in the meat aisles (even though I’m a vegetarian I enjoyed doing it, because I knew how much Jerry loved meat). Jim and I struggled to find new routines. It took many, many months before anything resembling our own, new lives, took place.
Time. That’s all that will help ease the pain, just enough to help you get by every day without falling apart.
Be good to yourself, and know that Boinks’ spirit is still with you.
My heart is aching for you and your loss of Boinks… Now he is at peace… but at least you can feel good about knowing that you did everything you could possibly do to save him for a while longer.
I still cry when I think about my other babies that have passed on… I miss them all so much! But my heart is now concentrating on my Jakie… and hoping that he will do well… We are just 1 day post-op and my heart is breaking for what he is going through…
I guess you can never know how things will turn out… Just try your best and love them for as long as they are with you… I don’t know what else to say.
Hi Mel,
I just came across your last post…
Your words echo my feelings, thanks for the wording.
Today it’s four weeks since I’m missing my girl… Tomorrow I’ll be thinking of Boinks and you too.
Hugs
Cecilia
Hey Cecilia,
I just found your reply. I miss our big girls. We didn’t get enough time with them.
In a somewhat strange coincidence, after I posted this, I was flipping through our local weekly paper and saw an ad for Colin Hay coming to our area to do a show. I bought tickets and we went on October 4. He is a very funny man who told a lot of stories related to his songs and we laughed through much of his show, but when he started to sing this song, the tears wouldn’t stop.
I hope you’re doing well.
Hugs back,
Mel